So in my cleaning lately we ran across a poem titled and hand written that had no author listed. After reading it is sounded like my style of writing and I can remember this poem. I have searched various engines trying to find this poem only to come to the conclusion that I am the author. If I am wrong please correct me so that proper credit can be given. I am not trying to steal this. I am 99.9% positive this is my own work.
Who Died for You
Who died for you who will not fight
Who died to turn darkness to light
Who died so that we call would be free
We killed him there on Calvary's tree
Christ chose to die for all man's sin
But do we remember who has died since then?
Who died for us in the U. S of A
Many died there for freedom today
Who died so that our rights could be granted
For the seed of equality to be planted
Who died on glorious battlefield
Musket, cannon and bayonet they wield
And fell by the hundreds in British sights
They fought to the death that star spangeled night
Who died for you with darker skin
As the war of the states did begin
Whoe died at Gettysberg at their bothers hand
To free the slaves and unite this land
And later on more would die
For something small, a bus ride
They would be hung and crucified
For equal rights so many died
Who died for you the female race
For equality in the work place
Battered and broken a war fought at home
Silent warriors fighting alone
So rant and rave, refuse to fight
Deny their deaths, abuse your rights
Let it be known you would rather die
By your own hand, than stand and fight
Tell the world how you feel
Let them know of your raw deal
Object in public that is your right
But remember those who chose to fight
Remember those who lived and died
For freedom's cause, they fought they tried
So tell me now what will you do
When the cause of freedom calls on you?
Praying Cowboy
Seeking the Truth
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Pop Culture Reference
The movie Scott Pilgrim vs. The World proved to be an interesting movie. What I first took to be another cliched teen love story is in reality a wonderful coming of age movie. Sort of.
The main character Scott spends most of the movie fighting to win the heart of Ramona, his dream girl. When I say fighting, I mean literally hand to hand combat. He has to defeat Ramona's seven evil ex's. Talk about truthful. How many of us have to defeat the past of the one they are pursuing in order to have even the slightest of shots at them? Scott has a couple other challenges in the movie, first he is still recovering from his last serious relationship and to help himself cope he has started dating a girl much younger than himself. When he meets Ramona he has a girl friend that he doesn't want to break up with because it will be hard and he hasn't dealt with being left by his ex. Scott is very self conscious about everything he does, he lacks any sort of self confidence except when fighting for Ramona. Subsequently he ends up losing sight of himself in the process of trying to win her heart. In the final battle against Ramona's super-ex, who it turns out Ramona pined after for a long time before he gave her any attention, Scott is defeated by the fact that he is not fighting for the right reasons. When he realizes this and is first able to defeat his own past mistakes, loves, and heartbreaks he is able to gain self-respect and do something for himself. This gives him the confidence to defeat the final ex and win Ramona's heart.
There are a lot of twists that kept the movie interesting and you should really watch it to get the full effect. Non-gamers beware there are some reference to video games that might escape you until the end but the ending is worth it.
So why am I posting about a movie? Because like most things in the world I believe there is a lesson to be learned, or rather four. Each lesson applies to people at different stages in life. First is for those who wish for love to seek them out. Let go of the past. Don't make everyone have to fight to win your heart. New people in your life are just that NEW! It is unfair of us to judge them or have expectations of them based on how we have been treated in the past. It is scary as hell but there is something scarier, not getting to know someone out of fear. Most people will recognize in themselves a "fight or flight" response to things that they are afraid of. But when we chose flight we let fear defeat us. My personal fear is of letting someone in close enough that they could hurt me again. My past tells me to close off and not allow others in but my faith and my heart tell me to open up. Can we truly know what love is without knowing heartbreak? I don't think so. So as scary as it is I do it, true it takes me longer than it used to but that is fine, sometimes being an open book to new people leads us to jump in with both feet and who knows what lie at the bottom. Sometimes its a bear trap waiting to snap shut on us. But we can't let the fear of "what if" stop us from letting others in. Having spent a decent amount of time closed off I can tell you it is a dark and cold existence. Don't go there.
The second lesson is for those who are seeking to love someone else. Own up to your past mistakes. This is much the same as the lesson for those who wish to be loved. I am great at not doing this. None of us like to own up to our mistakes in relationship. It is a defense mechanism that we use to keep ourselves safe. We know that if we admit to a mistake then guess what we failed, they didn't fail us we failed them. My big mistake was taking my love to the level of worship and losing who I was in the relationship. This is an unhealthy way to live. So once again I say quit living in the past and move forward. And again I struggle at times to do this out of my understanding that the past makes us who we are today. Who we are today though isn't who we were. And someone will love us for who we are today, scars and all.
With this lesson comes the third. Don't make the same mistake twice. A mistake is no longer a mistake when you learn from it. My friend Aaron says it like this "If you make easy mac with Kool-aid and it doesn't taste good are you going to make it that way again?" The logical response is no. Why don't we apply this to our relationships then? Well I have a theory about that as well. (In case my readers haven't realized this yet I have a lot of ideas about life) Fear of the unknown prevents us from making those changes. A pain we know is easier to handle than a pain we don't know. But guess what the definition of insanity is this "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." So don't make your mac and cheese with Kool-aid any more. Change the recipe and stop being insane.
The final lesson I can take from this movie is this. Face what is difficult. As I said in the rundown Scott is dating a high school girl when the movie starts. Knives falls hard for him about the time he meets Ramona, and Scott doesn't want to own up to the fact that he cheats on Knives with Ramona. When he then leaves Knives she becomes his first evil ex and seeks revenge on Ramona who didn't do anything to her. When Scott finally faces the conflict of telling both girls the truth Knives' hatred for Ramona is defeated and Scott gains even more self confidence. So face your conflicts and don't let fear of anything stop you.
Fear of being hurt is a difficult fear to overcome. I have personal experience with that. When we do start to face it and defeat it though the fear shrinks away and disappears. Like the shadow in the bedroom at night, as soon as you turn on the light you see that all you were afraid of is a coat on the door. I have been working lately to defeat this fear in myself. The more it shrinks away the more I feel powerful and confident. Not everyone will let you in or be someone you can love but when I wasn't facing my fear of being alone it cause me to push people away or demand much of them and that left me alone all the more. So let new people be new, test the waters and see how much you can give them. Don't make them defeat your past before that happens, face your own past and take away its power.
Peace and Grease
The main character Scott spends most of the movie fighting to win the heart of Ramona, his dream girl. When I say fighting, I mean literally hand to hand combat. He has to defeat Ramona's seven evil ex's. Talk about truthful. How many of us have to defeat the past of the one they are pursuing in order to have even the slightest of shots at them? Scott has a couple other challenges in the movie, first he is still recovering from his last serious relationship and to help himself cope he has started dating a girl much younger than himself. When he meets Ramona he has a girl friend that he doesn't want to break up with because it will be hard and he hasn't dealt with being left by his ex. Scott is very self conscious about everything he does, he lacks any sort of self confidence except when fighting for Ramona. Subsequently he ends up losing sight of himself in the process of trying to win her heart. In the final battle against Ramona's super-ex, who it turns out Ramona pined after for a long time before he gave her any attention, Scott is defeated by the fact that he is not fighting for the right reasons. When he realizes this and is first able to defeat his own past mistakes, loves, and heartbreaks he is able to gain self-respect and do something for himself. This gives him the confidence to defeat the final ex and win Ramona's heart.
There are a lot of twists that kept the movie interesting and you should really watch it to get the full effect. Non-gamers beware there are some reference to video games that might escape you until the end but the ending is worth it.
So why am I posting about a movie? Because like most things in the world I believe there is a lesson to be learned, or rather four. Each lesson applies to people at different stages in life. First is for those who wish for love to seek them out. Let go of the past. Don't make everyone have to fight to win your heart. New people in your life are just that NEW! It is unfair of us to judge them or have expectations of them based on how we have been treated in the past. It is scary as hell but there is something scarier, not getting to know someone out of fear. Most people will recognize in themselves a "fight or flight" response to things that they are afraid of. But when we chose flight we let fear defeat us. My personal fear is of letting someone in close enough that they could hurt me again. My past tells me to close off and not allow others in but my faith and my heart tell me to open up. Can we truly know what love is without knowing heartbreak? I don't think so. So as scary as it is I do it, true it takes me longer than it used to but that is fine, sometimes being an open book to new people leads us to jump in with both feet and who knows what lie at the bottom. Sometimes its a bear trap waiting to snap shut on us. But we can't let the fear of "what if" stop us from letting others in. Having spent a decent amount of time closed off I can tell you it is a dark and cold existence. Don't go there.
The second lesson is for those who are seeking to love someone else. Own up to your past mistakes. This is much the same as the lesson for those who wish to be loved. I am great at not doing this. None of us like to own up to our mistakes in relationship. It is a defense mechanism that we use to keep ourselves safe. We know that if we admit to a mistake then guess what we failed, they didn't fail us we failed them. My big mistake was taking my love to the level of worship and losing who I was in the relationship. This is an unhealthy way to live. So once again I say quit living in the past and move forward. And again I struggle at times to do this out of my understanding that the past makes us who we are today. Who we are today though isn't who we were. And someone will love us for who we are today, scars and all.
With this lesson comes the third. Don't make the same mistake twice. A mistake is no longer a mistake when you learn from it. My friend Aaron says it like this "If you make easy mac with Kool-aid and it doesn't taste good are you going to make it that way again?" The logical response is no. Why don't we apply this to our relationships then? Well I have a theory about that as well. (In case my readers haven't realized this yet I have a lot of ideas about life) Fear of the unknown prevents us from making those changes. A pain we know is easier to handle than a pain we don't know. But guess what the definition of insanity is this "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." So don't make your mac and cheese with Kool-aid any more. Change the recipe and stop being insane.
The final lesson I can take from this movie is this. Face what is difficult. As I said in the rundown Scott is dating a high school girl when the movie starts. Knives falls hard for him about the time he meets Ramona, and Scott doesn't want to own up to the fact that he cheats on Knives with Ramona. When he then leaves Knives she becomes his first evil ex and seeks revenge on Ramona who didn't do anything to her. When Scott finally faces the conflict of telling both girls the truth Knives' hatred for Ramona is defeated and Scott gains even more self confidence. So face your conflicts and don't let fear of anything stop you.
Fear of being hurt is a difficult fear to overcome. I have personal experience with that. When we do start to face it and defeat it though the fear shrinks away and disappears. Like the shadow in the bedroom at night, as soon as you turn on the light you see that all you were afraid of is a coat on the door. I have been working lately to defeat this fear in myself. The more it shrinks away the more I feel powerful and confident. Not everyone will let you in or be someone you can love but when I wasn't facing my fear of being alone it cause me to push people away or demand much of them and that left me alone all the more. So let new people be new, test the waters and see how much you can give them. Don't make them defeat your past before that happens, face your own past and take away its power.
Peace and Grease
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
New Day
People like to say that it is always darkest before the dawn. I would choose to believe this. This message of hope is something that I must subscribe to in order to navigate the dark waters that I have been in. Most recently I am struggling with my singleness. I am a very extroverted person and love to be around people but due to some abuses in my past I am far less open with people which makes friendships and relationships difficult. None the less I continue to grow attached to people and want to know everything about them in order to feel close to them but I don't always trust them with my secrets. I've started forcing myself to talk to people about what I am struggling with and my emotions which is difficult for me. This exercise has helped me to actually deal with my past and my present. The down side is it has caused some emotional break downs as I come to the realization that I am not as prepared for an intimate relationship as I would have hoped. What I have come to realize is that what I have desired is not an intimate relationship with a woman that could lead to marriage but an intimate friendship with a woman. A friendship in which we are completely open with each other and able to talk about anything. That is not always easy to find for multiple reasons. One is that women have a tendency to think that this desire to know them in that way means I want sex or marriage and they don't see me like that. Second is I hate that women don't see me as marriageable material. I hear "You are a great guy Sam, but..." I really can't stand that phrase anymore.
But my train of thought seems to have taken a side track. What does any of this have to do with a "New Day" you may be wondering. Well here it goes. My past is quite ugly. I've accepted that it is mine and I had to go through what I did to reach where I am today but I still don't like who I was then and the parts of that person I haven't been able to leave behind. I was completely unbalanced in what I did and who I wanted to be. With Easter approaching I am thinking about the Resurrection. I am giving the Easter service at McCrossan's. What does the Resurrection mean? When Christ was resurrected he was given New Life. A new body. He was made new but he retained the scars of his old life. You see the scars are the reminder that his old life was full of suffering and pain and that in this new life, and new body there can't be that same pain otherwise life would not be new it would be a repeat of the same thing.
Paul says this in Second Corinthians "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! I gave myself to Christ what seems like many years ago but didn't truly start following him until I was twenty-one. I believe there is a difference. Giving yourself to Christ is not the same as following Him and I took a while to actually follow Him. As the years have passed I've found that in following Christ I still lack some trust in Him. Ridiculous huh? Why can't I trust God? Well again there is a lot of history to that, history that I won't reveal here. But all that history is just an excuse. I don't trust God in some area's of my life because I don't trust in myself. Most pointedly and what seems to be a recurring topic in this blog is I don't trust myself or God in my relationships with women. Generally I don't trust women because when I am open and honest with them they tend to push me away or if I develop deeper feelings for them they push me away. Its a confusing situation that I've grown weary struggling with.
But back to being a new creation. With my roommate Jesse going through a difficult time I've been remembering when I left my fiancee Elaina over two years ago. I never dealt with the emotional stuff then, I didn't have time. I just walled up my heart so that people couldn't get in and hurt me again. But that's not what should have happened. So I've been talking with Jesse more and opening up to new friends and finding that who I am today is not who I was then. I'm very happy to say that, but who I am today still bears the scars and wounds of who I was then. So with it being darkest before the dawn my darkness feels great lately. I have been battling emotional low times that cause me to completely fall apart. It has effected my work to some extent and I fear some new relationships. But if it is Darkest before the dawn then just around the corner there has to be some light for me. The Bible says that when Christ was crucified darkness came over all of Jerusalem for a time. But when the women saw Him resurrected He shown brighter than a star. I am paraphrasing here but you get the idea. Christ is the dawn and although I have been walking through the darkness there is a light that I have continued to walk toward and will continue to.
I will assert it here in writing. MY DAWN IS COMING! To put something in writing and believe it is a great step for me. So here it is people. Watch out for the light that is coming because when it does I will only want to share it with others.
Peace and Grease for Now
Samuel
But my train of thought seems to have taken a side track. What does any of this have to do with a "New Day" you may be wondering. Well here it goes. My past is quite ugly. I've accepted that it is mine and I had to go through what I did to reach where I am today but I still don't like who I was then and the parts of that person I haven't been able to leave behind. I was completely unbalanced in what I did and who I wanted to be. With Easter approaching I am thinking about the Resurrection. I am giving the Easter service at McCrossan's. What does the Resurrection mean? When Christ was resurrected he was given New Life. A new body. He was made new but he retained the scars of his old life. You see the scars are the reminder that his old life was full of suffering and pain and that in this new life, and new body there can't be that same pain otherwise life would not be new it would be a repeat of the same thing.
Paul says this in Second Corinthians "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! I gave myself to Christ what seems like many years ago but didn't truly start following him until I was twenty-one. I believe there is a difference. Giving yourself to Christ is not the same as following Him and I took a while to actually follow Him. As the years have passed I've found that in following Christ I still lack some trust in Him. Ridiculous huh? Why can't I trust God? Well again there is a lot of history to that, history that I won't reveal here. But all that history is just an excuse. I don't trust God in some area's of my life because I don't trust in myself. Most pointedly and what seems to be a recurring topic in this blog is I don't trust myself or God in my relationships with women. Generally I don't trust women because when I am open and honest with them they tend to push me away or if I develop deeper feelings for them they push me away. Its a confusing situation that I've grown weary struggling with.
But back to being a new creation. With my roommate Jesse going through a difficult time I've been remembering when I left my fiancee Elaina over two years ago. I never dealt with the emotional stuff then, I didn't have time. I just walled up my heart so that people couldn't get in and hurt me again. But that's not what should have happened. So I've been talking with Jesse more and opening up to new friends and finding that who I am today is not who I was then. I'm very happy to say that, but who I am today still bears the scars and wounds of who I was then. So with it being darkest before the dawn my darkness feels great lately. I have been battling emotional low times that cause me to completely fall apart. It has effected my work to some extent and I fear some new relationships. But if it is Darkest before the dawn then just around the corner there has to be some light for me. The Bible says that when Christ was crucified darkness came over all of Jerusalem for a time. But when the women saw Him resurrected He shown brighter than a star. I am paraphrasing here but you get the idea. Christ is the dawn and although I have been walking through the darkness there is a light that I have continued to walk toward and will continue to.
I will assert it here in writing. MY DAWN IS COMING! To put something in writing and believe it is a great step for me. So here it is people. Watch out for the light that is coming because when it does I will only want to share it with others.
Peace and Grease for Now
Samuel
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Apology
Two years ago plus a day I went through a very difficult time in my life. I had been in a relationship for two and a half years with a woman who I worshiped ( I felt before writing this post you all should know how i define certain things hence the posts on love). I gave Elaina everything I could give. I worked in order to take care of her and give her what she wanted. My time was hers, including hours I should have been studying and I changed for her more than I can ever repair. I lost myself in that relationship.
On February 8th 2008 we had our last argument. It started because I wasn't studying where she wanted me to. Some reading this may think it is a petty thing to end a relationship over but I want you all to realize something. This was the last of too many arguments. I still have so many questions from that time period of my life the biggest of which is this "Why wasn't I enough for her?" Nothing I did seemed good enough, the way I dressed had to change, the way I spoke, my manners, who I associated with, on the invitation list for our wedding we had cut out half my family and changed the venue three times. Things were falling apart around me and nothing I did could fix them.
I won't go into the gory details of ending the relationship here. That's not the point of this entry. This entry is for opening up. You see when you lose yourself in a relationship and begin pushing people out of your life you naturally close off the world. I'm a natural extrovert so closing off so my world could be just Elaina and I was the hardest thing for me to do and the hardest to undo. Early on after leaving her I began to realize what exactly had happened to me but I couldn't undo it at that point. I was so afraid to trust people that I could only remain trapped in my world.
The following piece was written one night when I drastically realized this.
On February 8th 2008 we had our last argument. It started because I wasn't studying where she wanted me to. Some reading this may think it is a petty thing to end a relationship over but I want you all to realize something. This was the last of too many arguments. I still have so many questions from that time period of my life the biggest of which is this "Why wasn't I enough for her?" Nothing I did seemed good enough, the way I dressed had to change, the way I spoke, my manners, who I associated with, on the invitation list for our wedding we had cut out half my family and changed the venue three times. Things were falling apart around me and nothing I did could fix them.
I won't go into the gory details of ending the relationship here. That's not the point of this entry. This entry is for opening up. You see when you lose yourself in a relationship and begin pushing people out of your life you naturally close off the world. I'm a natural extrovert so closing off so my world could be just Elaina and I was the hardest thing for me to do and the hardest to undo. Early on after leaving her I began to realize what exactly had happened to me but I couldn't undo it at that point. I was so afraid to trust people that I could only remain trapped in my world.
The following piece was written one night when I drastically realized this.
Apology
Have you ever stood alone in a room full of people?
Invisible as they pass you by?
What makes this OK?
All we need is friendship
Our souls scream out as you walk by
We are avoided because we are not like them
Who am I that you can ignore?
What have I ever done to you?
I've tried to be there, tried to be a friend
But you walk past me in the end
Why have I put myself out there for you?
Why should I do it anymore?
If I give up on you is it OK?
Or...did I leave you first?
For other things, my golden ring
I left this world long ago
For one of my own
I thought I would be happy
I told myself so
But when that world came crashing down
I was left there alone
Now I'm reaching for you all
Trying to be seen, heard
For someone to help me feel
Forgive me. I never knew how I treated you
I realize this piece does not follow any actual poetic standard. It was the simple out pouring of my heart in pain one night. I can't even describe how much I have wished for the last two years that I could share this with people. It has taken me this long to reach the point of being able to open up.
When you read what I write, no matter the post, you are reading a piece of me. I do not edit these beyond spell check. I write from my heart.
Peace and Grease for now.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Love and Worship
I want to continue the earlier discussion of Love. With the distinction made between the two loves, Classic and Contemporary, I believe further division will help there be some understanding between us.
There are some poets, songwriters, and other artists who encompass worship as a part of Love. However this is not the truth. I will begin my argument from the point of Love. Love I defined earlier as being something stronger than the butterflies that you get when "falling in love". Love is stronger and withstands the trials that are placed before it. There is also truth in love. Not only in the feelings but between two people. Those who are truly in Love must be willing to be blunt and honest at times with their Loved on, knowing that what they say may be painful to hear. This is a scary concept for anyone in a relationship but it is better than the alternative.
As an example lets consider a couple who have been together for almost a year. They truly Love each other. He has only one complaint, when she is around her girlfriends she becomes a rude gossip and often returns home with so many stories about the scandalous things that other people are doing. He is left now with two choices, if he can tactfully and kindly discuss this habit with her expressing his dislike then things will most likely improve for them. However if he says "No, its not that big of a deal I can just live with it." Then he truly must. Perhaps this habit of hers is grating on his nerves and will continue to fester into a viciously infected wound. Those types of wounds begin to poison everything that they do together. I believe that Love would dictate that he open discussion about this or steer the conversation elsewhere. He could ask "What sort of good things have the girls done, things that weren't drama causing." or perhaps be as blunt as me and simply say " I realize you and your girlfriends talk about this sort of stuff but its not something that I really care to hear about. I'm more interested in how people are helping people."
So what I am saying here is that Love can care about someone enough to point out their "faults" in order to watch them grow. I think of parents who discipline their kids so that later in life their kids will be responsible and caring adults. Or of God with Israel, when they needed rebuke he sent someone to rebuke them, typically prophets. This was out of love, so that they would be an example to the nations of how to live.
Now on to Worship. Worship is paying homage to something greater than yourself. We worship God. Now if we are to worship the one we love, our significant other, there becomes a problem. On earth the relationships we have are to be of mutual people. One of the earliest things that is from God is this "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." from Genesis 2:24. Now if we are to take this seriously then by becoming one flesh we are joined together. If you are joined with something greater than yourself you will either be destroyed or consumed by it.
I once worshiped someone I loved. And I was both consumed and destroyed by her. When I came to the realization of what had happened to me I was able to pull myself out of the relationship but it was difficult and still is to deal with the concept of Love. I think that is why I write about it. I want to be able and express un-interrupted my thoughts about Love so that hopefully someone will read this and not make my mistakes.
Thank You for reading this
Peace and Grease
There are some poets, songwriters, and other artists who encompass worship as a part of Love. However this is not the truth. I will begin my argument from the point of Love. Love I defined earlier as being something stronger than the butterflies that you get when "falling in love". Love is stronger and withstands the trials that are placed before it. There is also truth in love. Not only in the feelings but between two people. Those who are truly in Love must be willing to be blunt and honest at times with their Loved on, knowing that what they say may be painful to hear. This is a scary concept for anyone in a relationship but it is better than the alternative.
As an example lets consider a couple who have been together for almost a year. They truly Love each other. He has only one complaint, when she is around her girlfriends she becomes a rude gossip and often returns home with so many stories about the scandalous things that other people are doing. He is left now with two choices, if he can tactfully and kindly discuss this habit with her expressing his dislike then things will most likely improve for them. However if he says "No, its not that big of a deal I can just live with it." Then he truly must. Perhaps this habit of hers is grating on his nerves and will continue to fester into a viciously infected wound. Those types of wounds begin to poison everything that they do together. I believe that Love would dictate that he open discussion about this or steer the conversation elsewhere. He could ask "What sort of good things have the girls done, things that weren't drama causing." or perhaps be as blunt as me and simply say " I realize you and your girlfriends talk about this sort of stuff but its not something that I really care to hear about. I'm more interested in how people are helping people."
So what I am saying here is that Love can care about someone enough to point out their "faults" in order to watch them grow. I think of parents who discipline their kids so that later in life their kids will be responsible and caring adults. Or of God with Israel, when they needed rebuke he sent someone to rebuke them, typically prophets. This was out of love, so that they would be an example to the nations of how to live.
Now on to Worship. Worship is paying homage to something greater than yourself. We worship God. Now if we are to worship the one we love, our significant other, there becomes a problem. On earth the relationships we have are to be of mutual people. One of the earliest things that is from God is this "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." from Genesis 2:24. Now if we are to take this seriously then by becoming one flesh we are joined together. If you are joined with something greater than yourself you will either be destroyed or consumed by it.
I once worshiped someone I loved. And I was both consumed and destroyed by her. When I came to the realization of what had happened to me I was able to pull myself out of the relationship but it was difficult and still is to deal with the concept of Love. I think that is why I write about it. I want to be able and express un-interrupted my thoughts about Love so that hopefully someone will read this and not make my mistakes.
Thank You for reading this
Peace and Grease
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I Can't
Matthew 17:14-21
14 When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. 15 “Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. 16 I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.”
17 “You unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” 18 Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed at that moment.
19 Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”
20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
I hate the words "I can't". Growing up in the farming and ranching world I was taught that there is nothing I can't do. Sometimes that was the attitude that you needed to take in order to accomplish a task. As I grew older it became almost a mantra that I would repeat to myself when I faced a difficult task. The second horse that was given to me was named Effie, and she was stubborn and had a bad attitude at times. I can still remember my Dad telling me to make her do what you want. I had to out stubborn a horse. Most of you know this is a difficult task. But I succeeded in this. My confidence and pride in horse training continued to grow, especially when I had my dad around me to help. I knew there wasn't a horse I couldn't break and job I couldn't do. I had a lot of faith in myself.
My last five months in Texas I was on my own. Out in the middle of nowhere just me and my dog and a handful of horses to train. With only my dog to talk to for usually a few days at a time I became lonely and fearful. I began to get discouraged and lose hope. Thoughts of doubt and fear started taking root and growing to the point that I gave up breaking horses out of fear, mostly I feared getting hurt and lying in the round pen until someone came and found me which could be a couple of days. My fear had become a mountain I couldn't climb alone. I had let it grow into self-doubt that kept me from moving forward. When I left Texas I was heartbroken and defeated. I had found that which I couldn't do and that drove me into despair. I worked on farms around my parents home town that summer. In August of that year I jumped a fence and sprained my ankle badly. So badly that I couldn't work. Lying at home with my foot in the air I was once again discouraged. My mom began to talk about finding something that wasn't going to be as hard on my body as ranching, dad agreed. I was utterly defeated. The only thing I wanted to do, I was being told I didn't have the body for anymore. I agreed to try enrolling in school. I knew that God had called me to ministry a couple years earlier but at the time I had run away from Him and what He wanted for what I wanted. I felt sure that I had lost my chance to be a minister, but I enrolled anyway. I was still afraid I wouldn't make it, that the school wouldn't accept me, that I wouldn't be able to afford it and be kicked out after the first semester or that some other disaster would befall me and I would be stuck where I was.
My discouragement that I had first felt in Texas had followed me home and then to school. But I had given up on my own ways and had once again put my faith in God. There wasn't much else I could do. But at school things began to change for me. I found the finical aid I needed to stay in school and I began to succeed in classes. I began to find that things went well when I put my faith in God. The mustard seed is tiny. So small that you wouldn't notice them scattered on the floor. That is how my faith was when I started school. Yet that small faith was enough for me to move my mountain.
By no means did life become easy street after that. I was working at least 30 hours a week while going to school and going to school full time, maintaining relationship and doing homework. It was anything but simple and at times I became jealous of those who didn't have to work at the same goal. But I held on to my tiny seed, no matter what came up I would cling to that tiny tiny seed. I no longer doubted what I could do. God knew that I needed this challenge to give me back my confidence.
I hear from boys where I work at times, "I can't complete this program." It is a challenge no doubt. One that you maybe can't face alone but we aren't alone. The twelve steps of AA, NA and all the other anonymous groups begin with the same three steps. Put simply they are "I can't" the words I hate, "God can" and finally "I will let Him". So when you've given up on yourself, when you are telling us or yourself you can't do it. Let go of doing it yourself, grab that mustard seed of faith and follow God, because He can if we let Him. So why do I hate "I can't" when I am saying here that there are things I can't do without God. Because those words mean that I or others have given up not only on themselves but on God. They have turned from God's wisedom and guidance to a place of utter darkness a place that is not fun to be in. A mustard seed is so tiny that we can all find room for this seed in our lives. So hold onto the mustard seed and don't give up on God or yourself because no matter what God won't give up on you.
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