I Can't

Matthew 17:14-21

¹⁴ When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. ¹⁵ “Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. ¹⁶ I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.”

   ¹⁷ “You unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” ¹⁸ Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed at that moment.

 ¹⁹ Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?”

 ²⁰ He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

            I hate the words "I can't".  Growing up in the farming and ranching world I was taught that there is nothing I can't do.  Sometimes that was the attitude that you needed to take in order to accomplish a task.  As I grew older it became almost a mantra that I would repeat to myself when I faced a difficult task.  The second horse that was given to me was named Effie, and she was stubborn and had a bad attitude at times.  I can still remember my Dad telling me to make her do what you want.  I had to out stubborn a horse.  Most of you know this is a difficult task.  But I succeeded in this.   My confidence and pride in horse training continued to grow, especially when I had my dad around me to help.  I knew there wasn't a horse I couldn't break and  job I couldn't do.  I had a lot of faith in myself.

             My last five months in Texas I was on my own.  Out in the middle of nowhere just me and my dog and a handful of horses to train.  With only my dog to talk to for usually a few days at a time I became lonely and fearful.  I began to get discouraged and lose hope.  Thoughts of doubt and fear started taking root and growing to the point that I gave up breaking horses out of fear, mostly I feared getting hurt and lying in the round pen until someone came and found me which could be a couple of days.  My fear had become a mountain I couldn't climb alone.  I had let it grow into self-doubt that kept me from moving forward.  When I left Texas I was heartbroken and defeated.  I had found that which I couldn't do and that drove me into despair.  I worked on farms around my parents home town that summer.  In August of that year I jumped a fence and sprained my ankle badly.  So badly that I couldn't work.  Lying at home with my foot in the air I was once again discouraged.  My mom began to talk about finding something that wasn't going to be as hard on my body as ranching, dad agreed.  I was utterly defeated.  The only thing I wanted to do, I was being told I didn't have the body for anymore.  I agreed to try enrolling in school.  I knew that God had called me to ministry a couple years earlier but at the time I had run away from Him and what He wanted for what I wanted.  I felt sure that I had lost my chance to be a minister, but I enrolled anyway.  I was still afraid I wouldn't make it, that the school wouldn't accept me, that I wouldn't be able to afford it and be kicked out after the first semester or that some other disaster would befall me and I would be stuck where I was. 

            My discouragement that I had first felt in Texas had followed me home and then to school.  But I had given up on my own ways and had once again put my faith in God.  There wasn't much else I could do.  But at school things began to change for me.  I found the finical aid I needed to stay in school and I began to succeed in classes.  I began to find that things went well when I put my faith in God.  The mustard seed is tiny.  So small that you wouldn't notice them scattered on the floor.  That is how my faith was when I started school. Yet that small faith was enough for me to move my mountain.  

            By no means did life become easy street after that.  I was working at least 30 hours a week while going to school and going to school full time, maintaining relationship and doing homework.  It was anything but simple and at times I became jealous of those who didn't have to work at the same goal.  But I held on to my tiny seed, no matter what came up I would cling to that tiny tiny seed.  I no longer doubted what I could do.  God knew that I needed this challenge to give me back my confidence.

            I hear from  boys where I work at times, "I can't complete this program."  It is a challenge no doubt.  One that you maybe can't face alone but we aren't alone.  The twelve steps of AA, NA and all the other anonymous groups begin with the same three steps.  Put simply they are "I can't" the words I hate, "God can" and finally "I will let Him".  So when you've given up on yourself, when you are telling us or yourself you can't do it.  Let go of doing it yourself, grab that mustard seed of faith and follow God, because He can if we let Him.
          So why do I hate "I can't" when I am saying here that there are things I can't do without God.  Because those words mean that I or others have given up not only on themselves but on God.  They have turned  from God's wisedom and guidance to a place of utter darkness a place that is not fun to be in.  A mustard seed is so tiny that we can all find room for this seed in our lives.  So hold onto the mustard seed and don't give up on God or yourself because no matter what God won't give up on you.