Apology

Two years ago plus a day I went through a very difficult time in my life.  I had been in a relationship for two and a half years with a woman who I worshiped ( I felt before writing this post you all should know how i define certain things hence the posts on love).  I gave Elaina everything I could give.  I worked in order to take care of her and give her what she wanted.  My time was hers, including hours I should have been studying and I changed for her more than I can ever repair.  I lost myself in that relationship.

On February 8th 2008 we had our last argument.  It started because I wasn't studying where she wanted me to.  Some reading this may think it is a petty thing to end a relationship over but I want you all to realize something.  This was the last of too many arguments.  I still have so many questions from that time period of my life the biggest of which is this "Why wasn't I enough for her?"  Nothing I did seemed good enough, the way I dressed had to change, the way I spoke, my manners, who I associated with, on the invitation list for our wedding we had cut out half my family and changed the venue three times.  Things were falling apart around me and nothing I did could fix them.

I won't go into the gory details of ending the relationship here.  That's not the point of this entry.  This entry is for opening up.  You see when you lose yourself in a relationship and begin pushing people out of your life you naturally close off the world.  I'm a natural extrovert so closing off so my world could be just Elaina and I was the hardest thing for me to do and the hardest to undo.  Early on after leaving her I began to realize what exactly had happened to me but I couldn't undo it at that point.  I was so afraid to trust people that I could only remain trapped in my world.

The following piece was written one night when I drastically realized this.

Apology

Have you ever stood alone in a room full of people?

Invisible as they pass you by?

What makes this OK?

All we need is friendship

Our souls scream out as you walk by

We are avoided because we are not like them

Who am I that you can ignore?

What have I ever done to you?

I've tried to be there, tried to be a friend

But you walk past me in the end

Why have I put myself out there for you?

Why should I do it anymore?

If I give up on you is it OK?

Or...did I leave you first?

For other things, my golden ring

I left this world long ago

For one of my own

I thought I would be happy

I told myself so

But when that world came crashing down

I was left there alone

Now I'm reaching for you all

Trying to be seen, heard

For someone to help me feel

Forgive me. I never knew how I treated you

I realize this piece does not follow any actual poetic standard.  It was the simple out pouring of my heart in pain one night.  I can't even describe how much I have wished for the last two years that I could share this with people.  It has taken me this long to reach the point of being able to open up.

When you read what I write, no matter the post, you are reading a piece of me.  I do not edit these beyond spell check.  I write from my heart.

Peace and Grease for now.