New Day

    People like to say that it is always darkest before the dawn.  I would choose to believe this.  This message of hope is something that I must subscribe to in order to navigate the dark waters that I have been in.  Most recently I am struggling with my singleness.  I am a very extroverted person and love to be around people but due to some abuses in my past I am far less open with people which makes friendships and relationships difficult.  None the less I continue to grow attached to people and want to know everything about them in order to feel close to them but I don't always trust them with my secrets.  I've started forcing myself to talk to people about what I am struggling with and my emotions which is difficult for me.  This exercise has helped me to actually deal with my past and my present.  The down side is it has caused some emotional break downs as I come to the realization that I am not as prepared for an intimate relationship as I would have hoped.  What I have come to realize is that what I have desired is not an intimate relationship with a woman that could lead to marriage but an intimate friendship with a woman.  A friendship in which we are completely open with each other and able to talk about anything.  That is not always easy to find for multiple reasons.  One is that women have a tendency to think that this desire to know them in that way means I want sex or marriage and they don't see me like that.  Second is I hate that women don't see me as marriageable material.  I hear "You are a great guy Sam, but..." I really can't stand that phrase anymore. 
    But my train of thought seems to have taken a side track.  What does any of this have to do with a "New Day" you may be wondering.  Well here it goes.  My past is quite ugly.  I've accepted that it is mine and I had to go through what I did to reach where I am today but I still don't like who I was then and the parts of that person I haven't been able to leave behind.  I was completely unbalanced in what I did and who I wanted to be.  With Easter approaching I am thinking about the Resurrection.  I am giving the Easter service at McCrossan's.  What does the Resurrection mean?  When Christ was resurrected he was given New Life.  A new body.  He was made new but he retained the scars of his old life.  You see the scars are the reminder that his old life was full of suffering and pain and that in this new life, and new body there can't be that same pain otherwise life would not be new it would be a repeat of the same thing. 
Paul says this in Second Corinthians "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here!  I gave myself to Christ what seems like many years ago but didn't truly start following him until I was twenty-one.  I believe there is a difference.  Giving yourself to Christ is not the same as following Him and I took a while to actually follow Him.  As the years have passed I've found that in following Christ I still lack some trust in Him.  Ridiculous huh? Why can't I trust God? Well again there is a lot of history to that, history that I won't reveal here.  But all that history is just an excuse.  I don't trust God in some area's of my life because I don't trust in myself.  Most pointedly and what seems to be a recurring topic in this blog is I don't trust myself or God in my relationships with women.  Generally I don't trust women because when I am open and honest with them they tend to push me away or if I develop deeper feelings for them they push me away.  Its a confusing situation that I've grown weary struggling with. 
    But back to being a new creation.  With my roommate Jesse going through a difficult time I've been remembering when I left my fiancee Elaina over two years ago.  I never dealt with the emotional stuff then, I didn't have time.  I just walled up my heart so that people couldn't get in and hurt me again.  But that's not what should have happened.  So I've been talking with Jesse more and opening up to new friends and finding that who I am today is not who I was then.  I'm very happy to say that, but who I am today still bears the scars and wounds of who I was then.  So with it being darkest before the dawn my darkness feels great lately.  I have been battling emotional low times that cause me to completely fall apart.  It has effected my work to some extent and I fear some new relationships.  But if it is Darkest before the dawn then just around the corner there has to be some light for me.  The Bible says that when Christ was crucified darkness came over all of Jerusalem for a time.  But when the women saw Him resurrected He shown brighter than a star.  I am paraphrasing here but you get the idea.  Christ is the dawn and although I have been walking through the darkness there is a light that I have continued to walk toward and will continue to. 
    I will assert it here in writing.  MY DAWN IS COMING!  To put something in writing and believe it is a great step for me.  So here it is people.  Watch out for the light that is coming because when it does I will only want to share it with others.
Peace and Grease for Now
Samuel